December 18, 2010

A Visit with Santa

Mommy has a special surprise for youabie! Today we are going to the mall and see a very special elf! Yes, that’s right, Santa Claus himself!  Now no crying or being naughty, and yes you have to sit on his lap and tell him what you want for Christmas.  (never you mind all the kids and mommies pointing and giggling at you)  And if you behave yourself maybe he will give you a special paci with a candy cane at the end instead of a nipple.  Wouldn’t that be fun sweetie?  Oops, think someone needs a diaper change after that! Have a very Merry Christmas! Mommy Maggie 1*888*430*2010
December 20, 2009

A Very Special Poem

I was strolling home from work just after midnight Christmas Eve Watching snowflakes softly decorate the houses and the trees, I had worked a double shift and I was tired from head to toe But I chose to walk back home instead of driving in the snow. As I hummed a Christmas song I had a picture in my head Of my children dreaming joyous dreams all bundled in their beds, And I thought of my dear wife who would be waiting up for me With a plate of Christmas cookies and a nice hot cup of tea. Then “splutt!” and object hit me and it knocked me off my feet, Then “thwack!” another struck and laid me flat out in the street. By the time a third one nailed me, ricocheting off my back, I was scrambling to a nearby bush to hide from this attack. My first thought was of hoodlums throwing snowballs just for fun And I vowed to seek revenge on them before the night was done, But it soon became apparent that this substance wasn’t snow From the fresh and pungent odor which was wrinkling up my nose. As I sat there in confusion trying to sort the whole thing out, I heard jingling from above and then a voice began to shout, And I stared in stunned amazement from my now quite frozen seat As Santa’s sleigh and reindeer landed swiftly in the street. Well Santa rushed right over and extended me a hand And his grip was quite impressive as he quickly helped me stand, Then he scowled at all his reindeer as his eyes surveyed the scene And he handed me a moistened towel to wipe my clothing clean. “I’m sorry.” he said to me, “for any harm I’ve caused you, It’s my reindeer’s fault, of course, but they insist they never saw you, And when you fly around the world with reindeer I’m afraid, That people getting hit is just a hazard of the trade.” Then he walked me to his sleigh and let me stroke the reindeer’s fur, And I thought I heard them snicker but I couldn’t say for sure, Then Santa shook my hand and when convinced I was alright, He hopped back inside his sleigh and they flew off into the night. When morning came and all my children’s presents were unwrapped I motioned for them both to come and sit upon my lap, And their eyes began to widen and they stared with gaping jaws As I spoke in vivid detail of my night with Santa Claus. My wife then brought us over one last present from the tree And she said it was from Santa and she handed it to me. Inside was an umbrella made completely out of steel With a note from Santa calling it a “Flying Reindeer Shield.” Now every year at Christmas I display the shield with lights, With a varnished piece of reindeer dung I salvaged from that night, And I gather all my loved ones and retell the tale with glee Of my special night with Santa when his reindeer pooped on me. Stacie 1-888.430-2010
December 13, 2009

No No Santa

When I was a teenager, my Mama took my little cousin to see Santa at the local store. I didn’t want to go, I was too old to see Santa and if any of my friends were to see me in line I would never live it down. My Mama made me go, and I stood there, holding my cousin’s hand. I don’t think she wanted to be there either, but my Auntie had asked my Mama to take her so off we went. As both her and I stood there moving up little by little we could finally see Santa. He looked tired and weary, not a great look to have when you are supposed to convey jolliness and joy. As we made our way forward, listening to canned in Christmas music, I looked over to the right of Santa and saw an elf. Not just any elf, no. This was the best looking Elf I have ever seen in my life. Dark hair, light blue eyes, smile that could melt your panties right off your body. All of a sudden I was excited to see Santa, I kept pulling on my cousin’s arm, and she was getting mad. After about 15 minutes we were there, her on Santa’s lap, and Me wishing I was on the Elf’s lap, in that little plastic house behind Santa where nobody could see us. I kept staring at him and he was staring right back, and then he smiled and walked over and gave me a candy cane. And that was it, it was over, my cousin was off of Santa’s lap and the Elf went back to doing his Elfish things. Moral: When faced with a fat uninterested guy, look near him to find the sexy one with the great tasting candy cane. Liz 1-888-430-2010
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